Gamblers Fallacy
by RollisiFanGirl
Summary: Amanda Rollins hasn't gambled in months, but she is still in debt. Declan Murphy decides if Amanda isn't going to pay him in cash, she'll have to pay him on her back. The squad notices something is wrong with Amanda, but she won't open up.
1. Chapter 1

"Night, guys," Detective Amanda Rollins told her squad. She clocked out, feeling exhausted after a long day of work. She couldn't wait to get home and go to sleep.

She was heading to her car when somebody grabbed her and pulled her into the bushes. She realized there were three men. The man who grabbed her was now pinning her to the ground.

"You're in debt to the wrong person, sweetheart," the man growled. Amanda recognized him as Declan Murphy. She owed him a lot of money, but she had been paying him as she earned money.

"I-I've been p-paying you," Rollins argued.

"I need all the money now," Murphy demanded.

"I don't have it all now," Amanda spat.

"Fine. Then, you'll have to start paying it off differently," Murphy growled. Before she could respond, one of the men held a gun to Amanda's head. Murphy began pulling her clothes off, and Amanda started struggling. She opened her mouth to scream.

"You scream. You die," Murphy warned her. Amanda let out a whimper. Murphy's grip on her was strong, and she couldn't even attempt to reach for her gun.

"Please, d-don't. Please, don't. I-I'll get you the m-money, I pr-promise," Amanda pleaded.

"I think you need a little motivation to ensure I get my money," Murphy smirked. Her shirt was off, and Murphy pulled her jeans off. He pulled off her underwear before unzipping his pants.

"No, please. Please, don't. Please," Amanda begged, her body now trembling. He planted a kiss on her lips. Amanda continued struggling, and Murphy slapped her across the face.

"Do you really want to struggle while there's a gun to your head?" Murphy questioned. Whimpers continued to come from Amanda as she pleaded for Murphy to let her go. He slapped her a few times to make her shut up or stop squirming or just to remind her who was in charge. He forced himself inside of her, and Amanda let out a cry of pain. He did as he pleased while Amanda cried and begged him to stop.

Twenty minutes later, Murphy came out of her. She was sobbing and trembling. She was bleeding. He zipped up his pants. He smirked and caressed her face, causing her to flinch.

"Now, not a word to your lieutenant. You wouldn't want to make things worse. You'll meet me at the bar around the corner next week with ten thousand of the twenty thousand you owe," Murphy told her.

"P-please. I-I can't g-get t-ten grand in a w-week," Amanda begged.

"Find a way, unless you want to work it off on your back again," Murphy spat. The three men left. Amanda laid there for a few minutes before getting dressed and shaking walking to her car. It was actually more of a limp. She was in so much pain.

When she finally got home, she went to shower. She took a two hour long shower. When she got out, her skin was red from the hot water and from scrubbing so hard. She stared at herself in the mirror. There was a bruise on her cheek and one on her eye. There were bruises on her inner thighs. Walking was a chore. She limped to her bed and cried into her pillow. Frannie jumped on the bed, and Amanda let out a shriek. She relaxed when she saw her dog. Frannie snuggled up to her in an attempt to comfort her.

After a restless night filled with nightmares, Amanda woke up to her cell phone ringing. She opened her eyes to answer the phone, but she closed them again as she brought her phone to her ear.

"Hello?" She mumbled, still tired.

"Rollins, where are you?" A frustrated voice asked. It was Olivia. The memories of last night flooded back to her, and she let out a whimper.

"Uh, sorry. I-I overslept. I-I'll be there in a half hour," Amanda apologized.

"Hurry up," her lieutenant snarled before hanging up the phone. Why was the blonde detective always late to work?

She's probably gambling again. Or she drank too much last night. Olivia thought to herself.

Amanda forced herself out of bed. She felt so dirty, and she didn't have enough time to take a shower. However, she didn't care. She was already two hours later. What's one more hour at this point? Olivia was going to scold her anyway.

Amanda took a forty five minute shower. As she showered, the night before continued to replay itself in her head. Murphy had pinned her down. Two other guys were with him. One of the other guys held a gun to her head. Murphy had taken her clothes off. He had unzipped his pants. She begged him not to do anything. He didn't listen. He raped her. He threatened her, saying that if she didn't have ten grand to him by next week, he would rape her again.

She couldn't go to her squad. Olivia would be angry at her since she seems to blame Amanda for everything. In Olivia's eyes, Amanda can't do anything right. Olivia wouldn't want to deal with Amanda's personal problems.

 _She won't believe you anyway. She'll think you're lying. You always lie to her. Why would she believe you now?_ Amanda wondered to herself.

She couldn't tell Fin or Carisi either. They would believe her, but they would also blame her. It was all her fault. If she hadn't gambled, she wouldn't owe Murphy so much money. He wouldn't have raped her if she just didn't gamble. It's all her fault. Fin and Carisi would never look at her the same way again.

Amanda was ready and driving to work a half hour after her shower. She was bracing herself to be reprimanded by her lieutenant. She knew she deserved it for being late.

She clocked in as she entered the squad room. She headed to her desk, and Fin watched her. Amanda noticed and became uncomfortable. Carisi didn't seem to notice her entrance until she greeted them in a quiet voice.

"Where were you?" Carisi asked.

"I overslept," Amanda mumbled.

"Amanda, are you gambling again?" Fin whispered.

"No, Fin. I'm not," Amanda answered. It was true. The debt she owed Murphy was from before the squad found out about her gambling. Fin gave her an unsure look.

"Rollins, my office," Olivia called, appearing in the doorway of her office. Amanda sighed quietly, and both Fin and Carisi gave her a sympathetic look. Carisi placed his hand on Amanda's shoulder, accidentally causing her to flinch. The flinch didn't go unnoticed by either male detective. Amanda stood up abruptly and headed to Olivia's office.

"Care to explain why you were late today?" Olivia asked, clearly annoyed.

"I overslept. I'm sorry, Lieutenant. It won't happen again," Amanda mumbled.

"Why did you oversleep?" The lieutenant questioned, suspecting there was more to the story.

"I went to bed late," Amanda answered, growing frustrated.

"Were you gambling?" Benson asked.

"No. You know I'm going to meetings for that," Amanda responded. Olivia noticed Amanda's eyes were puffy.

"Were you crying?" She asked hesitantly.

"No," Amanda grumbled.

"Just start being on time. Fin shouldn't be without a partner because you don't go to bed early," Olivia scoffed.

"Copy that, Lieutenant," Amanda responded.

"We're done here."

As the hours passed, it became clear to the squad something was off with Amanda. She wasn't talking much, and she flinched when Carisi or Fin gestured. She tried to keep it on the down low, but she wasn't too successful.

When it was time to clock out for the day, Amanda feared walking to her car alone. She worried Murphy might come out of nowhere and give her another "warning".

"Good night, guys," Amanda said to the squad.

"I'll walk you out," Carisi offered, getting up from his desk. Amanda didn't feel comfortable alone with a man, but she felt more uncomfortable walking to her car alone, so she didn't protest.

"Hey, what's with you today? You've seemed a bit off," Carisi pointed out as they exited the building.

"Uh I'm fine. Really. I just didn't sleep too well," Amanda lied. It was true she didn't sleep too well, but that wasn't why she was acting different. She was far from fine, and Carisi could tell.

"Why didn't you sleep too well?" Carisi questioned. There was a slight pause as Amanda tried to think of an excuse.

"Uh Frannie was sick. She threw up like three times," Amanda lied. Carisi didn't press Amanda for more details since she clearly didn't want to talk about whatever was going on, and she was only going to keep lying.

"Night. Drive safe," Carisi smiled once they reached Amanda's car.

"Thanks," Amanda responded. She got in her car, relieved that no one tried to attack her. She quickly started her car and drove away.

When she got home, she hurried to take a shower. After an hour, she got out, dried off, and tried to stop her hysterical crying. She went to her kitchen, feeling the need for a glass of vodka. As she poured a glass, her phone buzzed.

Unknown: I hoped you learned your lesson. I'm expecting that ten thousand by Friday night unless you want a repeat of last night. And don't go to your lieutenant. One word to your squad, and you won't even see me coming. You'll just be gone.

Amanda felt the color drain from her face. She didn't respond to the text. Instead, she made sure her door was locked, closed all of her windows, and put her glass away. Instead, she drank straight from the bottle. Once the bottle of vodka was empty, Amanda stumbled to her bedroom. Suddenly, she felt nauseous. She rushed into her bathroom and threw up. A half hour later, she got up from the bathroom floor and crawled into bed. It didn't take long for exhaustion and her sobs to put her to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

When Amanda woke up the next morning, it was around ten in the morning. Once again, she was late for work, but it didn't matter because she was going to call in sick. She sent a text message to her lieutenant, lying that she was sick. Then, she took some Tylenol and laid back in bed. She spent the entire day in bed, wishing she could forget the awful events that took place only thirty six hours ago.

Her body was still a bit sore. She walked with a slight limp. She was doing better physically, but she was in a terrible state emotionally. She had intense nightmares, and she wasn't getting much sleep.

"Did anyone else notice something up with Rollins yesterday?" Carisi asked.

"Yeah. She did seem a bit upset," Fin agreed.

"She was just upset because I force her to take responsibility for her own actions," Lieutenant Benson said, annoyed with this topic. She was already irritated with Rollins for texting her that she was sick two hours _after_ she was supposed to be at work.

"No, she seemed upset before you spoke with her. In fact, her mood didn't look like it had anything to do with you. Something else was bothering her," Carisi argued.

"Fin, do you know something I don't?" Olivia questioned Amanda's partner.

"She swore she wasn't gambling, and I believe her," Fin assured his lieutenant.

"Well, then, she's probably telling the truth for once and is actually sick," Olivia decided, a little shocked. Fin and Carisi disagreed, but they didn't bother arguing. Olivia had her mind made up about Amanda, and it didn't seem like anybody could change it. Rollins and Benson never really saw eye to eye. Amanda always had a lie or excuse whenever she screwed up.

"Let's get back to work," the lieutenant ordered. She returned to her office, and Fin tried to focus on his paperwork. Carisi got back to work as well, but he knew there was something wrong with Amanda.

The rest of the week Amanda managed to be on time every day. If she didn't want anyone to notice something was wrong, she had to do a great job of hiding it. She couldn't drink for fear she'd get drunk and oversleep. She set two alarms to ensure she wasn't late to work. She forced herself to try to eat lunch so the squad wouldn't wonder why she wasn't eating.

However, it was becoming obvious something was wrong. Amanda was very jumpy, and even Olivia realized something was off with the younger detective. Amanda kept to herself and didn't start any conversations. She didn't trust anyone. All Olivia ever does is yell at Amanda. Carisi and Fin were kind, but she knew they would blame her if she opened up about what was going on.

The squad had a busy day, so they ordered take out. When it arrived, Carisi paid the man and handed everyone's food to them. The squad thanked Carisi for treating them to lunch. Carisi had wanted to do it because he wanted everyone to try the food from this Italian place. Everyone was talking, but Amanda didn't join in on the conversation. She was too busy worrying about how much money she still had to raise by Friday. It was Thursday.

"What's the matter, Amanda? You aren't talking with us. What? Cat got your tongue?" Carisi joked. Amanda let out a nervous laugh. Carisi patted her shoulder, and Amanda flinched away from his touch. Her breathing grew unsteady for a few seconds, but she quickly got control of it. They all stared at her in shock.

"Uh, sorry," Amanda apologized.

"No, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to startle you," Carisi apologized, genuinely.

"You didn't startle me," Amanda snapped, bitterly. It didn't matter what she said. They all saw her flinch. They all heard her breathing turn unsteady. They all saw the fear grow in her eyes for a few seconds. Fin knew Amanda was uncomfortable, and he quickly changed to the topic of conversation, which Amanda was grateful for.

Even though Olivia noticed something was off with her youngest detective, she didn't pay much attention to her. She didn't care enough to ask what the problem was. She just assumed Amanda had gotten herself in some kind of trouble by drinking or gambling. She knew it would all blow over soon. Amanda tended to be a very private person, revealing little about herself, so Olivia knew Amanda didn't want to talk about whatever was going on. Besides, Olivia figured it was a minuscule problem, and she didn't have time to deal with Amanda's drama. In fact, Olivia never seemed to have time for any of Amanda's problems. If Fin or Carisi had a problem, Olivia wanted to help. When Amanda had a problem, it only seemed to be another burden to Olivia. Amanda learned very quickly to keep her mouth shut as much as possible when falling to Olivia. Amanda wasn't sure why Olivia didn't like her, but she didn't care at this point. She was used to being disliked.

Fin noticed Amanda was acting different. Whenever the squad talking about going out for drinks or a meal, Amanda would politely decline. When she was asked why she declined, she simply said she was saving money. Fin suspected it was another gambling issue. He wished Amanda would open to him so he could help her out. He always had her back, but it's hard sometimes because he doesn't always know what the problem. Fin and Rollins had a sibling like bond. They always had each other's backs and enjoyed the presence of the other. They rarely bickered, and when they did, it never lasted long or got in the way of their work. Amanda wasn't a very trusting person, but she trusted Fin.

Carisi also noticed something off with Rollins. He saw the sadness in her eyes, which was mixed with an emotion he couldn't quite make out. Fear? Anger? Amanda wasn't a fearful person, but she also hadn't seemed angry lately. She was clearly on edge about something, but Carisi couldn't figure out. He thought it was gambling too, but Amanda promised it wasn't, and he believed her. Carisi had crushed on Amanda since his first day at SVU. He had tried to build a friendship with the blonde, but she wasn't too trusting or too friendly. Fin had explained that Amanda had been through a lot and always kept her guard up. Amanda and Carisi were friends, but their bond was very different from her and Fin's. Amanda looked at Fin like a brother, but she looked at Carisi differently. She liked him. She had a crush on him, but her trust issues wouldn't let her hint at it.

On Friday, Amanda woke up with puffy eyes from crying herself to sleep. There were dark circles under her eyes because her nightmares prevented her from getting very much sleep. As she took a hot shower, she sobbed hysterically. She only had two thousand out of the ten thousand dollars she needed. Murphy was not going to pleased, and Amanda feared what would happen to her. She didn't want to be raped again, but what could she really do about it? She couldn't go to the police because Murphy warned her things were get worse. She couldn't tell her squad, even if she wasn't too afraid of Murphy, because Olivia would just be mad at her, and Carisi and Fin wouldn't believe her. There was no way for her to get out of this mess.

Amanda had been noticeably worse today. She seemed dazed out most of the day, and her face was pale. She didn't eat anything. She flinched whenever someone gestured or a voice was too loud.

"Rollins, can I see you in my office?" Olivia asked. Amanda hesitantly entered her lieutenant's office. Olivia closed the door.

"Is everything all right?" Olivia asked questioned. Amanda nodded.

"Yeah. Everything's fine," Amanda mumbled.

"You've seemed a bit off lately," Olivia pointed out. Benson was harsh on the younger detective, but it wasn't like she wanted too see the blonde suffer. If there was something Olivia could do to help Amanda, she wanted to do it.

"I'm fine," Amanda insisted. Before Olivia could respond, Amanda exited the office.

When the work day was over, Amanda was the first to clock out. Declan Murphy had been very clear about Amanda being on time. She was terrified. She only had two thousand dollars, and Declan was expecting ten thousand dollars. She hoped he would take pity on her. She didn't want to go through what he put her through last week again. She thought about not showing up to the bar, but Murphy promised things would get worse if she didn't go. Things were already terrible, and Amanda certainly did not want to worsen the situation.

She shakily got in her car and drove down the street to the bar. She parked in the lot and hesitated before getting out. When she saw Murphy and his two men standing outside the bar, she honestly thought she was going to throw up. Amanda had the two thousand dollars in an envelope. She was trembling, and her hands were clammy. She knew Murphy was going to be angry, and she was terrified of what they would do to her.

"You have the money?" Murphy asked.

"I-I... I-it's t-two thousand. I'm so sorry. I couldn't get it all, but I promise I will. Don't hurt me, please," Amanda begged. Murphy snarled and gripped Amanda by her hair.

"I thought I told you to bring ten thousand!" Murphy growled.

"I'm sorry! I couldn't get ten thousand dollars in one week! Please! I've been paying you as I get money!" Amanda cried out, fearfully.

Amanda struggled against his grip. Murphy pulled her towards the vacant park across the street. She tried to fight back, but it was useless. Murphy was way stronger than her, and even if she did manage to break free from his grip, the other two men would easily grab her. She was trapped. She wanted to scream, but she knew they were all armed. They wouldn't think twice about killing her, and she did not want to die.

When they reached the more woodsy area of the park, Murphy threw the blonde on the ground. Amanda immediately got up, but Murphy slapped her and pinned her down. Without hesitation, he pulled off her shirt. One man smirked and held her wrists above her head, while the other man held a gun to her head.

"I thought I was pretty clear last week about what would happen if you didn't pay up," Murphy growled.

"Please, don't. Please, don't," Amanda pleaded. He ignored her and stroked her chest.

"Please. I'm sorry. I'll get you the money. I promise. Just please, please, don't do this. Not again. Please," Amanda begged through a very shaky voice. Tears were welling up in her eyes, and she was trembling uncontrollably. She struggled more, only to be slapped across the face. She wasn't sure why she even bothered fighting. She couldn't win against three strong men who were all bigger than her and were armed. She was armed too, but that didn't matter since her wrists were pinned above her head.

Declan Murphy slid the young blonde's jeans off. Amanda started kicking and whimpering. She was so terrified.

"I-I d-don't want this again. P-Please," Amanda pleaded.

"Shut up," Murphy spat, slapping her again. The truth was, he didn't want to do this. He didn't really have a choice though. He felt terrible for the young blonde on the ground. He hated listening to her pleas and cries.

"Maybe next time, you'll get me my money on time, you dirty, little slut. You deserve this," he growled. He began forcibly kissing and groping her. He took her underwear off before unzipping his pants. He roughly forced himself inside of her, and she let out a cry. The man holding a gun to her head kicked her ribs, causing her to cry out again.

"Shut up," He ordered.

Murphy violated her for what felt like forever. All the apologies and begging in the world didn't seem to be enough. When he finally finished, he got off of her. The trembling blonde sat up, only to be shoved back down.

"You're not done. You didn't have the money like I said, so you get it worse than last week," Murphy stated, zipping his pants. The man who held a gun to Amanda's head switched places with Murphy.

"Hey, beautiful," the man smirked.

"No, please. Please. Please, no. Please," Amanda sobbed. The man unzipped his pants and had his rough way with her. When he got off of her, Amanda tried to get up again, but Murphy kicked her ribs. She cried out in pain. Murphy went to slap her for crying out, and she shielded her face.

"I-I'm s-sorry. D-don't h-hit m-me ag-gain. P-please," she shakily pleaded.

"Ah. Not so tough now, are you?" Murphy taunted her. Amanda tried to get up again, thinking they were done.

"Sweetheart, there's still one more guy," Murphy informed her. The thought of Amanda being raped by a third man frightened her even more.

"No, please!" Amanda pleaded, trying to run. Murphy shoved her to the ground and slapped and punched her multiple times.

"This is what you get for not having the money! This is your fault!" He boomed, terrifying her.

"P-p-please, n-n-no. I-I'm s-so s-sorry," Amanda whimpered. Murphy pinned Amanda's wrists above her head, while the second man held a gun to her head. The third man climbed on top of her.

"N-no. No, no, no, no," Amanda pleaded. The third man had his painful way with her. When he finally got off of her, Amanda hesitated before sitting up. Murphy took a step towards her, and she flinched and scooted back.

"Please, not again!" She cried. He kept coming closer, looking so angry. He gripped her by her hair.

"You still owe eight thousand from this week. I want that, along with another ten thousand by the same time next week. If not, what you endured tonight will seem like nothing compared to what you'll endure next week," Murphy threatened her.

"P-p-please, I-I c-can't," Amanda sobbed. Murphy slapped her.

"You better find a way, sweetheart," Murphy warned her. The men took off, leaving Amanda in the freezing cold, naked, except for her bra.

After a few minutes, she found the strength to get dressed. She limped back across the street to her car. She was in an excruciating amount of pain. She drove to her apartment, trembling and uncontrollably sobbing.

When she reached her apartment, she tried to walk to the couch. She could hardly move. She was in so much pain. There was no way she could go to work tomorrow.

 _Liv's gonna be so mad at me._ Amanda thought. She decided to call her lieutenant, thinking Liv would be less annoyed than she would be if Amanda sent a text. After four rings, she answered.

"Benson."

"Uh, L-Liv. I-I won't b-be able to g-go to w-work t-tom-morrow," Amanda stuttered out, trying to keep her voice calm. She heard her lieutenant sigh.

"What's your excuse this time? Why are you stuttering? Have you been drinking?" Olivia accused.

"N-no, I-I haven't b-been drinking. I-I j-just can't c-come in tomorrow," Amanda managed to get out, her voice breaking at the end.

"Amanda, what's wrong?" Olivia questioned, realizing there was a problem.

Frannie noticed Amanda was upset and went to comfort her. She jumped on Amanda's lap, causing the blonde to let out a painful yelp.

"Ow, ow," Amanda whispered.

"Rollins, what's wrong?" Olivia pressed.

"Liv, I'm sorry. I can't come in tomorrow. It hurts so bad," Amanda cried.

"Amanda, are you all right? You're worrying me," Olivia told her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, don't be mad at me. I'm sorry. It's all my fault," Amanda continued sobbing.

"Okay, Amanda, stay put. I'm on my way," Olivia informed her detective. She had just arrived home from work, so she was already dressed. Lucy was about to leave, but stayed when she realized there was an emergency. Olivia thanked her before heading out the door and driving to Amanda's apartment.

When she reached Amanda's apartment, Olivia knocked on the door. No one answered, which worried Olivia even more. She turned the knob and was relieved to see it was unlocked. She entered the apartment and closed the door. Amanda must've heard the the door close because she let out a gasp.

"D-don't h-hurt me. Please, n-no more. I'll get you the m-money soon. I promise," Amanda whimpered, momentarily thinking it was Declan Murphy and his men.

"Amanda, it's me, Olivia. I'm not here to hurt you," she assured the younger woman. Amanda's head shot up. Olivia sat next to her.

Olivia was shocked at Amanda's appearance. There were bruises on her face, there was dirt all over her, leaves in her hair, her shirt was torn, her body was trembling, and tears were running down her face. There was a mixture of pain, fear, and sadness in her eyes. Olivia placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder, accidentally causing the young blonde to flinch.

"Hey, it's okay. It's just me," Olivia told her. Amanda nodded. Amanda heard a noise and jumped, letting out a yelp as she hid herself in Olivia's arms.

"Ssshh. It was just a noise from outside. You're safe, sweetheart," Olivia promised.

"N-no, I'm n-not s-safe. They're g-gonna do it ag-gain," Amanda cried.

"Who's gonna do what again?" Olivia questioned.

"I can't tell you! They'll get angrier!" Amanda sobbed.

"Okay. Okay. It's okay. Can you tell me what happened? What did they do to you? Do I need to take you to a hospital?" Olivia asked.

"No hospital," Amanda whimpered.

"Honey, if someone hurt you, you need to go to the hospital," Olivia explained. Amanda didn't answer; she just cried.

"Did they give you those bruises?" Olivia questioned. Amanda nodded.

"Why did you yelp on the phone?" Olivia wondered.

"Fr-Frannie jumped on me. I-it hurt," Amanda answered.

 _The dog jumped on her lap, and it caused her that much pain?_ Olivia thought, sadly. Olivia was still holding the young blonde in her arms.

"Did they sexually assault you?" Olivia hesitantly asked. For a moment, there was no answer. Then, the lieutenant felt Amanda nod, and her heart shattered.

"Okay. The best thing right now is to take you to the hospital," Olivia spoke calmly.

"No. They'll find out. They'll get mad. It'll get worse," Amanda cried, pulling away from Olivia.

"No, they won't. Going to the hospital doesn't mean you press charges. I wanna make sure your injuries are taken care of though," Olivia explained. Amanda finally agreed to go to the hospital.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered as they got into Olivia's car.

"Amanda, you have nothing to be sorry for. This isn't your fault," Olivia told her.


	3. Chapter 3

After an invasive rape kit, Amanda and Olivia were waiting for discharge papers. Amanda hadn't spoken a word since the rape kit. She had barely made eye contact with her lieutenant. She kept waiting for Liv to scold her. She regretted even calling Liv. Whenever Liv is around, Amanda tends to get into trouble. She didn't want to be screamed at; she was scared enough as it was.

"Amanda," Olivia began, but was cut off by the young blonde.

"I-I'm s-sorry. Please, d-don't y-yell at m-me. It-it won't happen again. I'm sorry I b-bothered you," Amanda whimpered. Her body was trembling.

 _Amanda feels like she's bothering me? Why is she expecting me to yell at her?_ Olivia wondered. She felt awful. She wasn't sure what she did to intimidate Amanda and make her feel like the situation was her fault, but it certainly wasn't her intention.

"Amanda, why would I yell at you?" Olivia asked, confused as to why Amanda thought she deserves to be reprimanded. The young blonde shrugged.

"You always do," she mumbled.

"Well, maybe when you deserve it, but you didn't do anything wrong. This isn't your fault. Why would you think I would ever blame you for something like this?" Olivia questioned.

"Everything's always my fault," Amanda whispered.

"That's not true. This most definitely was not in any way your fault. And you weren't bothering me by calling. I'm glad you called me for help," Olivia spoke seriously.

"I wasn't calling you for help. I was calling in sick," Amanda muttered. Olivia's heart broke.

"You were going to try to hide this?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded.

"Sweetheart, why would you do that?" Olivia questioned. Amanda started crying harder, and Olivia pulled her into a hug.

"I didn't think you would believe me," Amanda admitted in a whispered voice.

"Why would you think that?" Olivia asked, confused and a little hurt.

"I've lied to you so many times," Amanda sobbed. Before Olivia could respond, Amanda started speaking again.

"But I'm not lying this time. Please, believe me. I didn't want it. I swear, I didn't want it," Amanda cried.

"Ssshhh. I know you didn't want it. You don't have to convince me of that," Olivia assured her. Amanda continued crying, and Olivia continued trying to soothe the younger woman.

A few minutes later, a male doctor entered the room to attend to another patient. Amanda flinched and let out a whimper when she saw him. She scooted back in fear.

"Amanda, it's okay. He's just helping another patient. He won't come near you," Olivia promised. Amanda was still trembling. Olivia rubbed circles on Amanda's back, trying to soothe her.

"It hurt so bad," Amanda whimpered.

"I know, sweetheart. I'm so sorry," Olivia responded, sadly. Olivia knew, without a doubt, the rape must've been painful and violent. Her inner thighs were covered in dark bruises. Her wrists had bruises from being so tightly gripped. Her right eye was bruised, along with her cheek, and she had a split lip. Whenever the nurse touched Amanda, she flinched in fear. Olivia hated the idea of Amanda going through such a traumatic experience. As Olivia studied Amanda's visible injuries, she sighed, feeling sorry for the young blonde. Amanda tensed up when her lieutenant sighed.

"I'm sorry. Please, don't be mad. Please. I'm sorry," Amanda whimpered.

"Amanda, honey, you have nothing to be sorry, and I am not mad at you. You haven't done anything wrong," Olivia tried to assure the younger woman. Amanda couldn't even look at her lieutenant. She was so intimidated by everyone.

"You can come stay the night at my place. Tomorrow, I'll take your statement," Olivia decided.

"N-no. No, I c-can't m-make a st-statement. H-he'll be so m-mad. Th-they'll m-make me do it ag-gain. I-I don't want to do it again!" Amanda cried.

"Ssshhh. You won't ever have to do it again. I promise they can't hurt you anymore. You're safe, sweetheart," Olivia promised. Amanda shook her head.

"I-I n-need to g-give th-them m-money. They're g-gonna do-do it again if I d-don't," Amanda spoke in a shaking voice.

"You owe them money?" Olivia asked. Amanda nodded.

"From what?"

"Wh-when I g-gambled," Amanda admitted. For a second, Liv's frustration got the best of her.

"You've been gambling again?" Olivia raised her voice. Amanda flinched away from her lieutenant. She backed away, shielding her face with her hands.

"N-no, I swear! I-I o-owed it fr-from b-before a-anyone kn-knew! P-please, d-don't h-hurt me!" Amanda begged.

"Amanda, I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm sorry I raised my voice. Come here, it's okay," Olivia promised. Amanda slowly moved back to Olivia.

"I swear I haven't been gambling," Amanda whispered.

"Okay, sweetheart. I believe you," Olivia assured her. Amanda let out a breath of relief.

Olivia and Amanda headed back to Olivia's place. Amanda hadn't spoken much. Olivia tried to ask the young blonde a few questions, but Amanda was afraid to speak. Lucy left shortly after Olivia and Amanda arrived, and Noah was asleep.

"I'm sure you want to shower, so you can go ahead and do that. I'll look for some sweats for you to wear," Olivia said in a soft voice. Amanda nodded and made her way the shower. She turned the water up as hot as it would go. While the water heated up, Amanda took off her clothes. She was disgusted with herself. She went into the shower. She hissed at the burning water, but she made no effort to turn the water down.

 _You deserve what happened to you._

 _It's what you get owing debt. If you had just paid him back, or, better yet, never gambled at all, this wouldn't have happened to you._

 _It's gonna keep happening too._

 _It's never gonna end._

The memories replayed in Amanda's mind.

 _"Maybe next time, you'll get me my money, you dirty, little slut. You deserve this."_

She begged them not to hurt her, but they did it anyway.

" _Ah. Not so tough now, are you?"_

 _"Sweetheart, there's still one more guy."_

Three times. She was raped three times in one night. She pleaded for them to leave her alone. She sobbed hysterically and apologized so many times. Memories from last week came back and mixed with tonight's assault.

 _"You're in debt to the wrong person, sweetheart."_

 _"I think you need a little motivation to ensure I get my money."_

 _"Now, not a word to your lieutenant."_

She couldn't even consider reporting the rapes. The men would kill her. They were so violent and rough with her. Her body was so sore. She couldn't get the horrific events out of her mind. They forced themselves inside of her. They did whatever they wanted to her. They slapped and punched her. They caused her to feel worthless.

Amanda was trembling and sobbing hysterically. She seemed to think the men were going to come back and rape her again. She began pleading for them to leave her.

Olivia was getting clothes for Amanda to wear when she heard a strangled cry. It was followed by another sob. The wailing continued, and Olivia could hear words being said.

"D-don't! P-please, d-don't!" She heard Amanda sob. Olivia rushed to the bathroom door and knocked on it, causing Amanda to shriek.

"Amanda, it's all right. It's just me, Olivia. Are you okay?" Olivia asked.

"G-go aw-way! D-don't h-hurt me!" Amanda cried.

"I'm not going to hurt you, sweetheart," Olivia promised.

"Please! I promise I'll get you the m-money! I-I just need m-more t-time! Please!" Amanda cried.

"Okay, Amanda, you're worrying me. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm coming in, okay?" Olivia warned. She grabbed the spare key and opened the door. The bathroom was steamy from the hot water. Olivia approached the shower and carefully pulled the shower curtain back. She gasped at the sight, and her heart broke.

Amanda was curled up on the shower floor. She was trembling and sobbing her eyes out. Her eyes were shut, and she was pleading for the men not to hurt her.

"Amanda, sweetheart, it's me, Olivia. Can you please open your eyes for me?" Olivia asked. Amanda's eyes shot open.

"D-don't let them h-hurt me," Amanda wailed.

"Ssshhh. I won't let them hurt you, I promise. You're safe with me," Olivia tried to assure the younger woman. Olivia noticed how hot the water was.

"Amanda, this water is too hot. You're gonna hurt yourself," Olivia said, shutting off the water. She helped Amanda out of the shower and quickly wrapped her in a towel.

"I-I'm s-sorry. I'm sorry," Amanda began apologizing over and over.

"Ssshh. You have nothing to apologize for. None of this is your fault. You didn't deserve this," Olivia said, seriously. Olivia left Amanda to dry off and get dressed. When Amanda exited the bathroom, Olivia said she would take the couch.

"I can't take your bed," Amanda argued.

"Amanda, it's all right. You're very sore, and I want you to be comfortable," Olivia stated. After a little more arguing, Olivia convinced Amanda that it would be okay. The older woman left the young blonde to sleep.

"No! Stop! Please, don't! Please!" Amanda screamed.

Olivia's eyes shot open. It took her a moment to register Amanda was the one screaming. She quickly jumped off the couch and ran to the bedroom.

In the bedroom, Olivia found the young blonde tossing and turning, tangled up in the sheets. She was screaming and crying. Olivia's heart broke for the younger woman. She hated seeing her so frightened. Olivia turned on the lights before approaching the young blonde and gently shaking her. Her touch caused Amanda to shriek though, so Olivia retracted her hands.

"Amanda. Amanda, sweetheart. I need you to wake up. You're having a nightmare. It's not real. You're safe. It's me, Olivia. I won't let anyone hurt you. Please, wake up," Olivia pleaded. Amanda's eyes shot open. Her breathing was unsteady. She glanced around the room, looking for her rapists.

"It was only a nightmare. You're safe," Olivia promised.

"No, no. It was real. It happened," Amanda cried.

"Ssshh. I know, honey. I'm sorry, but it's over now. They can't hurt you anymore. You're safe. I promise you, you're safe," Olivia tried to assure the younger woman. Amanda let out a sob.

"It hurt so bad," Amanda told her lieutenant. Olivia pulled her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry you went through that. I promise it's over though. They will never hurt you ever again," Olivia told her detective.

"I need-I need to g-get them th-the m-money, or-or th-they'll d-do it ag-gain. It's too much. I-I can't get eigh-eight-teen th-thousand d-dollars in a w-week," Amanda sobbed.

"Ssshhh. I promise you they won't do it again. Stop worrying about the money. We're gonna get them, and they'll never hurt you again," Olivia continued trying to soothe the young woman.

"Th-they d-did it l-last w-week b-bec-cause I didn't h-have th-the m-money. That's wh-why they did it t-ton-night t-too. I need to get the m-money. I don't want it to h-happen ag-gain," Amanda cried.

"Amanda, this was the second time it happened?" Olivia asked, confused. Amanda nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me when it happened last week?" Olivia asked. She felt so guilty as she realized Amanda had shown signs of someone who had been abused or assaulted sexually. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, but there's no way Olivia should've missed those signs.

"I-I... You-you wouldn't h-have b-believed m-me. You-you would've been m-mad. I didn't want to g-get y-yelled at. Th-they said they would kill me," Amanda admitted through tears. Guilt hit Olivia like a ton of bricks.

"Amanda, I would've believed you. I wouldn't have been angry or yelled at you. This isn't your fault. I won't let them hurt you," Olivia promised. Amanda nodded.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered.

"Stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong," Olivia told her.

Olivia felt horrible. She spends all day comforting victims and helping them get through tough times, yet she didn't notice her own detective had been victimized. Her own detective feared her lieutenant would be angry at her. Amanda felt it was safer to keep her mouth shut than to confide in her lieutenant.

As she thought about it, Olivia realized she had been unfair at times. She treated Amanda as though the younger woman didn't know what she was doing. She scolded Amanda for little things and pointed out every little mistake she made. She was bitter towards her young detective. No wonder Amanda didn't want to confide in Olivia. The young blonde felt bullied by her boss. Olivia kept Amanda in her place in a corner, and that was making a negative impact.

"I'm so, so sorry," Olivia whispered to the young blonde. After soothing Amanda for a few more minutes, Olivia suggested they go back to bed. She left Amanda to sleep, telling her to wake her if she needed anything.

As Olivia tried to fall back asleep on the couch, she couldn't help but feel guilty for causing Amanda to feel like it wasn't okay to confide in her. She never meant to hurt the young detective so bad. She never even realized just how harsh she had been towards Amanda until the young blonde explained her fear of confiding in her about the rape. She hoped Amanda would learn to trust her so they could lock up the criminals who hurt the young blonde.


	4. Chapter 4

After a restless night, Olivia, Noah, and Amanda were sitting at the table. Noah was happily eating his breakfast and telling his mother about his previous day with Lucy. Olivia smiled and listened carefully to Noah as she ate her breakfast. Amanda didn't touch her breakfast. Her stomach felt so sick. The idea of food alone made her want to vomit. She was physically exhausted from the lack of sleep, and she was emotionally exhausted from the events of the previous night and the nightmares that came with it. Amanda had no idea how her screaming didn't wake up Noah in the middle of the night, but she was relieved it didn't.

Lucy showed up around seven thirty, and Noah was excited to see her. He always enjoys his time with Lucy. He pouted when he realized it meant his mother was leaving, but Olivia promised they could watch a movie when she got home.

Amanda could barely walk, and Olivia wanted to help her. However, Amanda objected to being touched or helped in any way. Olivia didn't want to make the younger woman uncomfortable, but she also knew Amanda needed help.

"It's all right. Let me help you walk," Olivia softly commanded.

"No. Don't touch me," Amanda grumbled. Olivia ignored Amanda's order and wrapped an arm around her anyway. Amanda flinched at the contact.

"Stop! Stop!" Amanda pleaded, backing away from her lieutenant. Olivia quickly retracted her arm. Tears welled up in Amanda's eyes.

"Why doesn't anyone listen when I say I don't want to be touched?" Amanda asked in a whispered voice. Though Olivia knew Amanda was reluctant to accept help, she realized Amanda's not wanting to be touched had more to do with control than anything else.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Olivia apologized. Amanda followed Olivia to her car. They drove to the precinct without a word being said.

When they reached the precinct, Olivia offered to help Amanda walk. The young blonde objected without hesitation, and Olivia knew better than to try to persuade her otherwise. As they entered the squad room, Detective Fin and Detective Carisi greeted their boss and colleague.

"Hi, guys," Olivia mumbled, not wanting to draw attention to Amanda or herself. Carisi and Fin quickly noticed Amanda seemed to be having trouble walking. She looked like she was in pain.

"Amanda, are you okay?" Fin questioned. Amanda nodded, refusing to look up.

"You don't look okay," Carisi argued. Amanda inhaled a shaky breath.

"Guys," Olivia warned. Fin and Carisi watched as Olivia lead Amanda to the interview room.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Olivia asked once she and Amanda entered the interview room.

"C-can I have water, please?" Amanda whispered.

"Of course. I'll be right back," Olivia promised. She stood up and exited the interview room. She headed to the squad room, knowing she needed to inform the guys about last night.

"Carisi, Fin, my office, please," Olivia commanded.

"She was raped?" Carisi asked, shocked. Olivia nodded. Sadness seemed to fill the office. Someone raped one of their own?

"By who?" Fin asked, angrily, his fists clenching. He was ready to kill the person who hurt his partner. He looked at Amanda as though she was a little sister. Nobody ever got away with harming her on his watch.

"She hasn't said yet, but, by the way she's talking, it looks like there's more than one rapist," Olivia sighed. Anger was boiling through Fin's blood, and it was evident in his eyes. Carisi wanted to hug Amanda and comfort her.

"I wanna see her," Fin demanded. Carisi nodded.

"Me too," he agreed.

"Barba is on his way to listen to Amanda give me her statement. I'd one of you with me when Amanda gives her statement," Liv said.

"Let's see who's she's more comfortable with. She might feel better if she gets to choose who takes her statement," Carisi reasoned. Olivia agreed with the younger detective. She knew how important it was for Amanda to have some control in this situation.

"I agree. Let's go," Liv decided.

When they entered the interview room, Olivia handed Amanda her water bottle. She quietly thanked Olivia. She kept her head down, ashamed of what had been done to her.

"Amanda, are you all right?" Carisi asked, placing a hand on her knee. The blonde detective flinched back. She didn't want to be touched by anyone.

"Sorry," Carisi spoke quietly, taking a step away from the young woman. He hadn't meant to startle her.

"So Barba is on his way. When he gets here, I need to take your statement, but I'd like one of the guys here with us," Olivia explained. If this went to trial, Amanda was going to have to tell her story in front of men, including her rapists. Olivia thought it would be easier for Amanda to tell her story to more people if she first told it to people she was already comfortable with.

"Can it be Fin?" Amanda asked without hesitation. Olivia nodded.

"Sure, if that's who you want," Olivia agreed.

"Carisi, will you guard the door so the men don't come back and hurt me?" Amanda asked, fear and desperation evident in her eyes.

"Of course. I won't let anybody hurt you ever again," Carisi promised.

The brokenness in Amanda's eyes was heartbreaking. She had never been one to express her emotions, yet here she was, trembling with fear and asking her colleague to protect her. She knew she could trust her squad. Carisi and Fin cared about her and would do anything to protect her.

ADA Rafael Barba arrived a few minutes later. He was surprised that the rape victim was Amanda Rollins. He wouldn't have guessed the victim was one of their own. It was strange to see Amanda so skittish. She kept her head down, and she fidgeted in her seat. There were bruises on her face, and there was fear in her eyes. Whatever happened to Detective Rollins, Barba knew she wasn't making it up. Amanda didn't like for anyone to see her as a victim. She never saw herself as one, and she didn't wanted to pitied. For her to be giving a statement, admitting that she had been victimized, there was simply no way she was making this up.

It took Amanda about an hour to get through her story. Telling her story was a struggle. She could barely some details out. Her body trembled as though it was snowing in the room. Tears streamed down her face the entire tire. A couple of times, Olivia worried the young detective would have a panic attack. She was clearly afraid the men were going to get revenge on her for reporting the crime. Throughout her giving her statement, Amanda feared she would not be believed. Olivia and Fin would have to reassure her they knew she was telling the truth.

Olivia's heart broke for her detective. It was obvious that Amanda felt she deserved to be raped. She seemed to think it was all her fault since she _had_ gambled. Olivia had to remind Amanda multiple times that it was not her fault. She owed the men money for lost bets, not sex. They had the right to want the money, but they did not have the right to rape her. They didn't have the right to threaten her, saying she would be raped again if the money wasn't given to them within a week. They did not have the right to intimidate her and cause her to feel like it was unsafe to report the crime committed against her. Olivia had to hold back tears as Amanda told them the details of what happened to her. Amanda's voice was so shaky. You could hear the fear in her voice, and you could see it in her eyes. In all the years she'd worked with the younger woman, Olivia had never seen her so broken.

 _How did I not notice something was terribly wrong?_ Olivia thought to herself. Amanda had shown signs of being raped, and Carisi had even pointed out that something seemed off about Rollins. The events that took place last night could've been avoided if Olivia had paid more attention. She couldn't have stopped the first rape, but she could've stopped the rapes that took place last night.

Fin was angry and heartbroken. He was angry that someone would ever hurt his partner. He was ready to kill the criminals who traumatized the young woman. They had beaten her and raped her, and they told her she deserved it. They caused her to feel like it was all her fault. Amanda didn't even feel comfortable looking at her lieutenant and partner. It broke Fin's heart to see Amanda so torn apart. She had never willingly shown vulnerability, yet here she was, looking as though she would break any moment.

"Amanda, you said the ringleader's name was Declan Murphy. Do you know the names of the other two men?" Olivia asked, her tone soft and soothing. Olivia was talking to her like a victim, and it broke everyone's hearts to see one of their in that position.

"N-no. I don't. I'm sorry," Amanda hiccuped a sob.

"That's all right. You don't have to be sorry. Do you think you could describe them?" Olivia questioned.

"Um, th-the one who h-held the g-g-gun. H-he w-was b-bald and a-a g-goatee. L-leather vest. J-jeans. B-blue eyes. H-His ears were pierced," Amanda stuttered out. Olivia wrote down Amanda's description.

"Okay, great. And the other guy?" Olivia asked.

"Uh-uh b-black h-hair. N-no f-facial h-hair. H-he had a t-tattoo o-on his n-neck of a uh green sn-snake with r-red eyes and a p-pink t-tongue," Amanda managed to answer.

"Do you know how tall they were?" Fin questioned.

"M-Murphy i-is m-maybe f-five five. Th-the guy with the t-tattoo i-is six foot m-maybe. And th-the other g-guy is m-maybe f-five e-eight," Amanda tried to accurately recall.

"Okay. You did great, Amanda," Olivia smiled.

Carisi and Barba watched through the glass. Their hears were broken for the young woman. She seemed truly terrified that she would face retaliation for reporting the heinous crime committed against her. A couple of times, Carisi worried Amanda would decide not to go through with telling her story. She looked so sad and afraid.

Olivia exited the interview room, leaving Fin with Amanda. He was trying to assure Amanda they would get the rapists and that she was safe. He wanted her to feel comfortable around the squad. She was becoming more comfortable with them, but Fin knew it would take time for Amanda to recover.

"Find the guys who did this," was all Barba said to the lieutenant.

"Oh, trust me. We will," Olivia promised, her voice low and full of anger towards the men who hurt Amanda.

Fin took Amanda back to his place. When Olivia was done at work, she was going to have Amanda come stay with her. Carisi and Olivia were trying find the men who attacked Amanda.

"Lieutenant? I know one way we can catch all the guys at once," Carisi hesitantly brought up.

"How?" Olivia asked, all ears.

"Well, Amanda is supposed to meet with them on Friday with the eighteen grand. We can have Amanda communicate with them as usual as though they're gonna see her, and, when she goes to meet them Friday, we can go instead and arrest them," Carisi explained.

"I don't know. Amanda is not going to feel comfortable talking to these guys. She's paranoid they're going to come after her," Olivia argued.

"She's not paranoid. They _are_ after her, Lieutenant. And we could monitor all the text messages between them. It's not like she would have to actually see them in person and go undercover," Carisi stated. Olivia sighed.

"I'll talk to her about it later, but I'm not putting her through this if it's only going to re traumatize her," Olivia declared.

Amanda didn't speak much at Fin's place. She didn't know what to say. She just stared into space, replaying the traumatic events in her mind. She replayed her statement in her mind, hoping the squad believed her story. She wasn't making any of this up, but she still feared the squad would think she was lying.

Fin tried to get Amanda to eat something, but she was barely responsive. She didn't want food. She felt physically sick. She wanted to sleep because she was exhausted, but she feared she would have nightmares. Occasionally, Amanda would let out a whimper. Sometimes, it was a whimper of pain, but, most of the time, the whimper was out of fear as the traumatic memories tormented Amanda. Fin hated seeing his partner so afraid. He kept promising he wouldn't let anyone ever hurt her again, but she was barely listening.

Around six pm, a knock on the door pulled Amanda out of her trance. She whimpered and brought her knees to her chest. She was tensed up, and her eyes widened.

"They found me?" She asked in a whisper.

"'Manda, it's Liv. The men didn't find you. They won't ever get to you again, I promise," Fin said, his voice serious, but caring.

 _They already got to me._ Amanda thought to herself.


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda hadn't said a word since Olivia picked her up from Fin's house. Olivia wondered what exactly was going through Amanda's mind. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. Fin informed Olivia that Amanda got scared when she knocked on the door. Olivia's heart broke, realizing how afraid Amanda was of her attackers. She that the young blonde didn't feel safe at all. She attempted to assure Amanda that she was safe now, but Amanda didn't believe that. Her rapists made sure she felt unsafe.

"Mommy!" Noah shouted, happily. He ran to his mother, happy to see her.

"My sweet boy," Olivia smiled, hugging her son. She and Lucy talked for a few minutes before Lucy headed home.

"Movie?" Noah asked, reminding his mother of her promise from this morning. Olivia let out a laugh and nodded.

"Of course. Go pick one out, and I'll make some popcorn," Olivia told her son. The toddler went over to examine each movie they owned. Olivia went to the kitchen to prepare the popcorn.

Amanda stood quietly. She felt so uncomfortable and unsafe. She kept her head lowered, not wanting to get in anyone's way. She was lost in her own terrible thoughts, which tormented her without rest. She wanted to cry, but she didn't want to appear weaker than she already was. She wanted to sleep, but she didn't want have nightmares. She wanted to speak, but she didn't want to bother her lieutenant. She wanted to try and enjoy the movie, but she couldn't break free from her own thoughts. It was only a matter of time until her rapists attacked her again. She wanted everything to be over. The only emotions she had felt in the last week were fear and sadness. She was afraid her attackers would kill her, but, at the same time, she wasn't sure she wanted to be alive anymore. It didn't make any sense. When her attackers were beating and raping her, she tried to fight for her life. She tried to live through the violent assault. She survived, and now, she wanted to die.

The microwave beeped, startling Amanda. She flinched, but Olivia didn't see it. Olivia emptied the popcorn bag into three separate bowls. She didn't speak, knowing Amanda wasn't in the mood for talking. However, she was watching Amanda. She could tell her nervous she was. Olivia knew Amanda wouldn't just open about how she felt, and it broke the lieutenant's heart that Amanda was seemingly suffering in silence.

"Here," Olivia spoke softly, handing the young blonde one of the bowls.

"Thank you," Amanda mumbled.

Olivia, Amanda, and Noah sat on the sofa. Amanda sat as far away from the two as possible. She just wanted to be alone, but she also knew being alone would cause her more torment. The opening song to The Lion King began playing, and Noah tried to mumble the words, causing his mother to smile. Amanda's eyes began to droop, and she wasn't in the mood to fight the exhaustion. By the time the hyenas tried to kill Simba and Nala, Amanda had fallen asleep.

Olivia smiled at the young blonde, grateful she was getting some sleep. She hoped her son would fall asleep quickly as well, but he did not. He stared attentively to the screen, waiting to see what would happen next, even though he had already seen this movie a hundred times. Olivia didn't mind though. She loved spending time with her son.

About halfway through the movie, a small whimper escaped from Amanda. Olivia looked at the younger woman, concerned for her wellbeing. Amanda started tossing and turning a bit, and she was mumbling. Olivia carefully removed her son from her lap. Noah didn't seem to mind as his eyes never even left the screen. Olivia approached Amanda. Another whimper came from Amanda, and Olivia's heart broke a little more.

"Amanda," she said, quietly, gently placing a hand on her shoulder.

"No, don't! Please!" Amanda begged, jerking away at the contact.

"Amanda!" Olivia raised her voice. The young blonde whimpered again. She couldn't wake up from the nightmare, so Olivia had to try gently touching her again.

"It's okay. I won't hurt you," Olivia promised, hoping the frightened woman could hear her. She carefully placed a hand on Amanda.

"Please, d-don't!" Amanda pleaded, jerking away again. This time, her eyes shot open. She sat up and glanced around the room as if she were looking for her rapists. Her breathing was unsteady, and her body was trembling.

"Hey, it's okay. You're safe," Olivia tried to soothe the younger woman. She attempted to grab Amanda's hand, wanting to comfort her. Amanda flinched at Olivia's hand came in contact with hers though.

"I'm not gonna hurt you," Olivia promised. Amanda opened her mouth, trying to speak, but she couldn't seem to find her voice or get her words out. Noah had now turned his attention from the tv to his mother and Amanda.

"What's wrong, Mandy?" Noah asked.

"Nothing, Noah. Amanda just had a bad dream," Olivia vaguely explained.

"It-it w-wasn't a dr-dream," Amanda shakily got out.

"I know, honey. I'm so sorry," Olivia told her, feeling so bad for the trembling woman. Amanda looked around the room again as if she still wasn't convinced her attackers weren't there.

"No one here is gonna hurt you. It's just you, me, and Noah. I promise you that," Olivia assured her detective. Amanda nodded.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?" Olivia questioned. Amanda shook her head, already looking distant.

"Okay. At least try to watch the movie and escape the thoughts for a little while," Olivia softly spoke. Amanda turned her attention to the movie, trying to forget her thoughts.

When the movie ended, Olivia tucked her son into bed. She didn't take too long, knowing she needed to comfort Amanda. Amanda still didn't seem to feel safe. She was paranoid. Every noise she heard, she was convinced it was her rapists. When Olivia returned to the living room, she found Amanda, still sitting in the couch. She was staring at her phone with a pale face.

"Amanda?" Olivia asked. Amanda shot her head up.

"D-don't let them hurt me," Amanda whimpered.

"I won't let anyone hurt you. What's going on?" Olivia questioned, making her way over to the blonde. Amanda handed Olivia her phone. Olivia looked at the text message that was stressing Amanda out.

 **Unknown: sweetheart, I hope I don't have to motivate you again. $18,000 better be in my hand Friday night at the same spot at yesterday. If it's not there, yesterday's events will seem like nothing compared to the torture my guys and I will put you through. And remember, no police. You don't go to your lieutenant or your squad or anyone for that matter. I will find out if you do. Understand?**

Olivia's heart broke for the younger woman. She couldn't imagine the fear Amanda must be in. She looked at the blonde to find tears streaming down her face.

"L-Liv, I-I can't get eighteen th-thousand d-dollars in-in a w-week," Amanda whimpered.

"It's all right, honey. You're safe," Olivia promised. Amanda shook her head.

"No. Not showing up at all makes things worse. I have to go. When they see I don't have the money, they're gonna do it again. I don't even know how they'll be able to do worse than last night. I don't want to do it. I want don't want them to hurt me again," Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, they can't hurt you again. Me and the rest of the squad are going to protect you," Olivia reminded her.

"N-no. You're not even supposed to know. They probably already know I told you. They're gonna kill me. They're gonna kill me," Amanda continued to sob.

"Sweetheart, they're not gonna kill you. You're not going to have to go and meet them again. We are going to arrest them before they can ever touch you again," Olivia promised, pulling Amanda into a hug. Amanda sobbed in her arms, trembling with fear.

"Actually, we were hoping you could help us," Olivia hesitantly said.

"Huh?" Amanda asked, sniffling. She pulled away from the older woman.

"We wanted you to stay in contact with them. Act as though you're gonna do what they say, just like you did last week. You tell us exactly where you meet the men, and we will go and arrest them when you're supposed to be meeting them," Olivia explained.

"So I have to go meet them still?" Amanda questioned.

"No, honey. Instead of you going to meet them, the squad will. We have your rape kit and your statement. We're going to be able to put them away. Even though you owed them money, Barba believes a jury will still convict," Olivia assured the younger woman. Amanda nodded her head, taking in the information.

"If you don't want to stay in contact with them, we can find another way. I know this is hard, and we're not going to force you to do this," Olivia said, her tone serious.

"I'll do it."

Amanda slept on the couch. Well, she didn't really sleep. Her tormenting thoughts were fighting against her exhaustion, and the thoughts seemed to be winning. Amanda didn't really care if she fell asleep or not. There were pros and cons to both outcomes. If she fell asleep, she'd have nightmares. If she stayed awake, her exhaustion would grow. Around two in the morning, her exhaustion fought back hard against her horrible thoughts, and she fell back asleep.

An hour later, Olivia woke up to quiet sobbing. She sighed, knowing her detective was in both emotional and physical pain. She pulled herself out of bed and walked to the living room. When Amanda saw Olivia's figure, she inhaled a shaky breath, and a strangled sob escaped her mouth. For a moment, the figure wasn't Olivia. The figure was Declan Murphy.

"Don't," Amanda barely whispered out.

"Amanda, I'm not going to hurt you. It's me, Olivia. I would never hurt you," Olivia tried to calm the woman huddled up on the couch. Olivia cautiously approached the young woman. Amanda was sitting up, her knees hugged to her chest, but the lieutenant was unsure if Amanda was awake or dreaming.

"Amanda, are you awake?" Olivia quietly asked.

"Yes," she whispered.

"Good. So then, you know that I'm not going to hurt you and that you're safe," Olivia reminded her. She sat on the couch, and Amanda tensed up even more.

"L-Liv, it-it hurt so b-bad," Amanda shakily explained.

"I know, sweetheart. I'm so sorry it happened to you, but you're safe now. You're okay. No one will ever hurt you again," Olivia told her.

"You can't promise that," she whispered.

"No, but I can promise to do everything in my power to ensure no one ever hurts you again. And so will Fin and Carisi. We're gonna protect you. We all care about you," Olivia assured the young detective.

"Thank you."

"How long have you been awake?" Olivia wondered.

"A-a few m-minutes. I-I had a n-nightm-mare and w-woke up," Amanda explained.

"You should've gotten me. You shouldn't be sitting here, alone in her your fear. You're staying with me so I can help you. I can't help you if I don't the problem," Olivia stated. Amanda nodded.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?" Olivia asked.

"I already told you about it at the precinct," Amanda reminded her lieutenant. Olivia slightly nodded, realizing Amanda's nightmare hadn't even been a dream. It had been the traumatic memories of last night replaying in her mind. Olivia hugged the blonde.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia whispered. Olivia stayed with Amanda until she fell back asleep, which took about a half hour. When she did fall back asleep, Olivia slowly got up from the couch and returned to her bed, hoping Amanda could sleep a few more hours without any nightmares.


	6. Chapter 6

Amanda kept in touch with Declan Murphy as usual. She responded to his text messages as though nobody ever found out about the assault. She was a jittery mess, and that didn't go unnoticed by the squad. She feared what was going to happen to her. She didn't trust the squad to protect her. She knew they would try their hardest, but she also knew Murphy always got what he wanted. She knew it wouldn't be long until he found out she reported him, and she feared her life would be over. Either more of Murphy's men would attack her, or they would kill her with a single bullet. Amanda found herself caught between wanting to live, but also wanting to die to ensure she would never be tortured by the men again.

Amanda's bruises had faded. They were still there, but not as visible. A little bit of make up, and no one could even tell something terrible had been done to the young woman. She could walk without much difficulty. Her physical state had improved. It was her emotional state that went downhill.

Amanda jumped at every sudden noise, whether it was a door opening or a person speaking. She needed constant reassurance that nobody was going to harm her. She spent her days at the precinct because she trusted the squad to protect her more than anybody else. Some nights, she was afraid to walk from the building to Olivia's car. She feared Murphy was going to pop out and assault her. All through the week, Amanda talked about money. She needed to save enough money to give to Murphy. The squad promised Declan Murphy wouldn't be able to harm Amanda again, but she was still skeptical. Most of the time, she was lost in her own little world, wondering if things would ever get better.

Nothing the squad said seemed to be enough. Their words went in through one ear and out the other. Carisi and Fin wanted nothing more than to protect Amanda and kill the men who hurt her. They wanted to comfort her, but she refused to be comforted. She flinched when they touched her. She whimpered when their voices got too loud or their tones seemed to serious.

Olivia had barely gotten any sleep. Amanda woke her up every couple of hours with her screams or cries. She would have flashbacks of the assault. Olivia did her best to soothe Amanda, but nothing she said could calm the raging storm in the young blonde's mind. Olivia hoped that once the rapists were caught, Amanda would be more relaxed.

It was Friday night. Amanda had thrown up twice through the day, anxious for what was to come. She knew Declan Murphy was going to be angry when she didn't show up with his eighteen thousand dollars. Amanda only managed to get a few hundred dollars, and she panicked, fearing they would rape her again. It had taken Olivia forty five minutes to assure the younger woman that no one would be able to harm her again.

When it was time, Amanda told the squad exactly where they would find Declan Murphy. They left Amanda in the interview room, promising she would be safe there. Olivia instructed Amanda not to leave the room until they returned. The squad exited the precinct, leaving behind the terrified blonde. She did as told and did not leave the interview room. Instead, she remained seated in a chair, trying to keep her whimpers quiet.

Fin got in his car, and Carisi and Benson got in the lieutenant's car. They drove down the street to the bar where the terrible events of last week began. They kept a low key profile, not wanting to scare off the suspects. When they arrived at the bar, the slowly exited the car. It didn't take long for them to spot three men who matched Amanda's description. They calmly approached the men, prepared to chase if needed, but hoping the men would comply.

Declan Murphy recognized the lieutenant. He stalked Amanda long enough to know Lieutenant Benson was her boss. He was angry that his victim reported him, but a little relieved at the same time. More than anything, he was surprised. He thought he had inflicted enough pain and instilled enough fear into the young blonde so she wouldn't report him. He thought he had taught her a lesson.

"Declan Murphy?" Carisi asked. Murphy made eye contacted with the male detective, and all three detectives showed their badges. One guy turned to run, but Fin had anticipated that. He quickly grabbed the guy and slammed him against the wall, immediately putting handcuffs on him. Carisi grabbed the other guy, and Benson grabbed Murphy.

"The little blonde? She told?" Murphy asked, his voice a bit raspy. Ignoring Murphy's question, Olivia mirandized the three men. Murphy was placed in the back of Benson car, and two men were placed in the back of Fin's car.

"The blondie owed me money," Murphy spat.

"So you raped her as a way for her to pay you back?" Benson barked. Even Carisi was feeling a bit intimidated by his lieutenant's tone.

"She got what she deserved," Murphy argued. Benson rolled her eyes.

Amanda heard screaming and let out a whimper, knowing her rapists had been caught. She could hear them screaming about what they were going to do to her for reporting the crime, and she so badly wished she hadn't reported the assault.

A few minutes later, Olivia entered the interview room. Her eyes no longer held anger for the rapists. Instead, they held sympathy for the young blonde.

"We got them. I'm about to interrogate one of them," Olivia stated.

"I could hear them screaming. They're going to kill me," Amanda whispered.

"No, they're not going to kill you. They're not ever going to touch you again. You're safe now," Olivia promised. Amanda didn't respond.

"Do you think you could made an ID after interrogation?" Olivia asked. Amanda slightly nodded. The fear in her eyes pained the lieutenant. Amanda shouldn't be in fear for her life or her safety.

"They're going to hurt me so bad," Amanda whimpered.

"I promise you, they won't."

"I didn't want hurt her," Murphy argued.

"But you did," Benson retorted, looking him in the eye. Carisi's eyes were filled with hatred for the man who hurt Amanda. He wanted the men to pay for what they did. Declan Murphy sighed.

"I really didn't want to. I'm undercover. Lieutenant Declan Murphy," the man admitted. Benson squinted her eyes, unsure if she believed the man.

"What color is the day?" She questioned, hoping he would get it wrong.

"Blue," he answered, correctly.

"Doesn't matter if you're undercover. You still _raped_ someone," Carisi argued.

"Being undercover doesn't permit you to _rape_ somebody," Olivia agreed.

"I was being tested. If I didn't comply, I could've been killed, and an entire operation would've been thrown out the window. I had to go in numbers. One life, or the lives of many others. I didn't want to hurt Amanda, but I didn't have a choice," Murphy explained.

It was true. Declan Murphy did not want to harm anyone. He hated himself for raping her, but a lot was at stake. The absolute terror in her eyes had given him nightmares. Her sobs and cries of pain were one of the worst sounds he'd ever heard. Her apologies and pleas left him heartbroken. Her violently trembling body and voice made him almost refuse to hurt the young woman. When she tried to a run, a part of him wished he didn't stop her. She had been paying him regularly. However, the suspects demanded the money immediately, and it was up to him to get it. He hated watching her flinch away in fear whenever he raised a hand. He hated slapping, punching, and kicking her until she coughed up blood. He hated the trauma he knew he put her through.

"Who are you working for?" Benson demanded.

Three hours later, the lieutenant and her partner entered the interview room. Amanda looked up at her boss and her colleague. Both Benson and Carisi looked angry and sad at the same time. The only difference was that Benson held more anger in her eyes, and Carisi held more despair.

"Are you ready for me to make an ID?" Amanda asked, her voice quiet.

"Uh, no. It looks like that won't be happening. Amanda, we need to talk," Benson stated, sitting down, along with Carisi, across from the young blonde.

"What happened?" Amanda asked, her fear filled voice in a whisper. Her first thought was that they didn't believe her. They thought she was lying.

"Amanda, the two other men who raped you have been identified as Brian Comb and Andrew Young. The ringleader of all this has been identified as Lieutenant Declan Murphy," Olivia slowly explained. Amanda'a eyes filled with confusion.

"What?" She asked, her voice still a whisper.

"Declan Murphy is undercover," Benson answered.

"So, I was raped by a dirty cop?" Amanda questioned.

"Amanda, he wasn't a dirty cop. He had to either rape you or risk the lives of others by blowing his cover," Benson explained.

"B-but he's not gonna walk, right? What he did was a still crime," Amanda raised her voice to a normal volume as she choked back tears.

"We're not sure. The defense is gonna argue that he truly did not have a choice, and the DA might not even want to press charges, given the circumstances. It sounds like he made a judgement call. And Murphy will probably be granted immunity if he testifies. But Brian Comb and Andrew Young will be prosecuted," Olivia told the younger woman.

"B-but M-Murphy's g-gonna kill me. I don't-I don't have his m-money. And I reported h-him. He's gonna do it again," Amanda began to panic. Carisi placed a hand on her shoulder, and Amanda flinched back sharply.

"It's all right," Olivia assured her.

"So what now?" Amanda asked.

"The men will be arraigned tomorrow. We are going get Comb and Young put away," Olivia answered.

"But not Murphy," Amanda whispered, tears spilling from her eyes. It was Declan Murphy she feared the most. In fact, she had never been so afraid of someone in her entire life.

Amanda, Carisi, and Olivia exited the interview room and headed back to the squad room. Amanda caught sight of Declan Murphy, talking to Detective Fin. She immediately let out a whimper and backed into Carisi. Murphy and Fin looked over at Amanda.

"Don't let him hurt, please," Amanda whispered out, tears welling up in her eyes. Her body was trembling. She hadn't expected to see her rapist.

"Ssshhh. I won't let him hurt you," Carisi promised, wrapping an arm around to her to help her feel safe.

"Amanda," Murphy spoke, his voice soft. He stepped closer to his victim, causing her to let out a yelp. Fin went to restrain the undercover cop. Amanda pulled herself from Carisi's embrace and began backing away, about to bolt.

"D-d-don't h-hurt me. P-please, don't. Please, d-don't. I-I'm s-so s-sorry for reporting y-you," Amanda whimpered. Declan Murphy put his hands up, indicating he had no intentions of hurting her.

"Amanda, I'm not gonna hurt you. I was undercover," Murphy tried to explain. A hiccuped son escaped from Amanda's mouth.

"Why are you still here?! Get away from her!" Benson suddenly demanded, her causing everyone to jump a little. She didn't care that he had been undercover. She wished he had found a way to keep his cover without traumatizing the young detective. Olivia stood in front of the young blonde to block his view of her. He looked over her shoulder for a moment before sighing.

"We'll need you here tomorrow at eight a.m," Fin reminded the man. He nodded before turning and leaving.

Declan Murphy felt guilty. He hated himself. He wished he could go back and time and never even accept this undercover assignment. He couldn't do that though, and Amanda had to suffer because of it.

"Amanda, he's gone. It's all right," Olivia tried to soothe the young blonde.

"He'll never really be gone," Amanda whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/n: hi, everyone! I would like to say thank you so much for all of your support on this fanfiction! It means a lot to me! I hope you continue to enjoy this fanfiction! :)**

Amanda didn't say a word as Olivia drove. Tears silently made their way down her face. She didn't know what to say. Fear was paralyzing her body, and depression was drowning her.

 _There was no reason to report them in the first place. I did deserve it. I deserved everything I got. And now, I'm gonna get it again for reporting them. And I deserve it again too. My rapists are going to walk free because this was my fault in the first place. I owed them money, and they made me paid. A_ manda thought to herself. She wondered how bad it would be to eat her gun as soon as she got back to Olivia's apartment.

As Olivia drove, it was hard to keep her eyes on the road. She knew Amanda was suffering silently right next to her. She wished she could take away Amanda's pain. She couldn't imagine how horrible it must be knowing one of your rapists might go free because what he did wasn't considered to be his choice. Olivia reached out and placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder. Amanda, lost in her own thoughts, immediately flinched at the contact.

"Please, don't," Amanda whispered out, momentarily unaware of her surroundings. She inched away from Olivia until she was pressed against the car door.

"I'm sorry for startling you. I... would never hurt you, Amanda," Olivia spoke softly. Amanda nodded.

"I know. I'm sorry," she responded, mentally scolding herself for being weak and afraid.

"Don't be. I know how you feel," Olivia assured the younger woman, remembering when she was held captive by Lewis. When it came down to it, she realized she had been colder since she was held hostage by Lewis. She had taken that anger and pain out on her squad, but mostly on Amanda. Olivia knew she could be intimidating when she was upset.

 _I must've had her so stressed out._ Olivia thought to herself. After Olivia escaped from Lewis, she had been stricter, and, if she was in a bad mood, she was meaner. Amanda was always getting reprimanded or yelled at by the lieutenant. Benson was always coming down hard on her, acting as though Amanda was stupid and didn't know what she was doing. Now that she thought of it, Amanda had stayed late many nights trying to solve cases, perhaps, to get her boss off her back. She had noticed Amanda becoming more stressed out since Olivia returned to SVU.

 _I must've stressed her out so much she started gambling again. That debt Amanda owes Murphy was probably debt she fell into after a stressful day at work caused by me._ Olivia realized. Guilt was an understatement of what Olivia was feeling. Amanda couldn't have come to her for help if she wanted to. Olivia had managed to intimidate her into feeling like it wasn't a good idea to go to her for help.

"Hey, Amanda? When did you fall into that debt you owed Murphy?" Olivia questioned, afraid of what the answer would be.

"I don't know. A few weeks after the whole thing with, um, you know, Lewis," Amanda answered, whispering the last word as though she wasn't supposed to say it at all. Olivia's heart sank as her fear was confirmed.

"You must've been pretty stressed out to relapse," Olivia responded. Amanda only nodded.

"What had you stressed out?" Olivia asked.

"Um, just stuff," Amanda said, growing uncomfortable.

"You know, you could've come to me if you were feeling that stressed out," Olivia told the young blonde.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"So why didn't you?" Olivia wondered. Ananda was surprised by the question.

"You know, I don't like dragging people into my problems," Amanda shrugged.

"Is that why you didn't come to me?" Olivia asked. Amanda was now confused. Why did Olivia care so much about what caused the gambling? It was so long ago it, and it was irrelevant to her case.

"Or is it because I was the one stressing you out so much?" Olivia pressed. Amanda tensed up at the question. Olivia faced the younger woman as she approached a red light.

"Amanda, I know I was a pain to work with, especially after... what happened... to me. I didn't realize how much pressure I was putting on you. I'm so sorry for taking out my pain on you. If I hadn't, maybe you wouldn't have relapsed," Olivia apologized, genuinely feeling guilty and sorry.

"If I hadn't been stupid, I wouldn't have relapsed," Amanda answered sharply. Sure, Olivia had her stressed out over work, but she ultimately chose to gamble her money away. The stress caused her to relapse, but she didn't point the finger at anyone, except herself. In fact, she even blamed herself for the sexual assaults.

"Still, I shouldn't have stressed you out so much. I'm sorry I haven't been exactly the easiest person to work with. I shouldn't have made you feel less than. I'm so sorry," Olivia apologized. Amanda scoffed. She didn't believe Olivia's apology was genuine. She was simply trying to clear her conscience.

"You didn't make me feel anything I didn't already feel," Amanda retorted, implying that she always felt less than. After being raped by her former boss in Atlanta, Amanda had lost so much of her self worth. She hated herself and blamed herself for every bad thing that happened to her.

"You already felt less than?" Olivia pressed. She was surprised to see how insecure her detective truly was. Amanda had always worn a brave face. She appeared fearless. She wasn't afraid to fight back, whether it was a criminal or her own boss.

When Amanda didn't answer after a moment, Olivia didn't press her any further. Instead, she continued driving. Neither detective spoke another word until they reached Olivia's apartment.

Amanda took a shower while Olivia made dinner. Noah was happily watching his mother cook, telling her all about his day with Lucy. Although Olivia's mind was running a hundred miles an hour, thinking about Amanda, and she was cooking, she still made sure to give her son attention. She listened to each word he said, grateful he was so young and happy. The thought of him growing up in such a cruel world caused her to feel sick to her stomach.

When Amanda came out of the shower, dinner was ready. Noah was happy to see Amanda, but Amanda didn't bother trying to put on a fake smile, even for the toddler. Noah didn't sense Amanda's despair though, which Olivia was grateful for. As they all sat at the table, Noah retold the events of his day so Amanda could be as informed as his mother was. Amanda would give an occasional nod and say, "yeah," or something like that in order to trick the young boy into thinking she was listening. She was half listening, and Olivia knew it. Amanda was far too stressed to hear about what happened in the day of a three year old.

Amanda didn't touch her dinner. She felt bad because Olivia had prepared a nice meal, but the thought of eating disgusted Amanda. Olivia didn't try to get Amanda to eat. After the events of this morning, she didn't want to trigger the young blonde in any way. Amanda's mind was too lost in dark thoughts to thinking about stomaching anything. The only thing that sounded good was alcohol, and lots of it.

After dinner, Noah was sent to his bedroom to play. Olivia and Amanda sat on the couch. The lieutenant made the young blonde a cup of tea, and she took a couple of sips before placing it on the coffee table.

"Amanda, I don't want you to feel unsafe. Is there anything I can do to help you feel safe? You've been so jittery lately. It's not like you to be nervous. I know all of this is rough. Please, let me help you," Olivia began the conversation. Amanda looked away from her lieutenant.

"There's nothing you can do to make me feel safe. Murphy is going to kill me. He's going to rape me again, and he's going to kill me. I never should've reported this. He's going to walk, and, when he does, he's coming after me for revenge," Amanda responded, her voice violently shaking.

"Honey, he's not going to hurt you. He's not even mad at you. He doesn't care about the money. Remember? He was undercover. The money means nothing to him. You're safe now," Olivia tried to assure the young detective. Amanda shook her head.

"I'm never going to be safe," Amanda whispered. Tears were sliding down her face. The thought of what Declan Murphy would do to her for reporting him terrified her. Olivia pulled Amanda into a hug, attempting once again to assure her no harm would come to her. After Amanda had calmed down enough, Olivia suggested the two go to bed as it had been a long day.

"W-will you st-stay? J-just to m-make sure he won't c-come after me while I sleep?" Amanda asked, hesitantly. Olivia's heart sank. While she was glad Amanda was finally asking for help, she knew that meant the young blonde was in a tremendous amount of fear.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was stupid to ask. I'm fine," Amanda immediately recanted.

"No, no, don't be sorry. It wasn't stupid to ask. I'd be happy to stay with you. I promise I won't let anyone hurt you," Olivia assured the young blonde.

"Are you sure?" Amanda asked.

"I'm sure. What are friends for?"

Declan Murphy was allowed to go home since he wasn't charged yet. The other two men were in jail. Declan Murphy knew he wasn't getting any sleep tonight. He couldn't get the fearful expression on Amanda's face out of his head. Back at the precinct, she really thought he was going to hurt her. She felt so unsafe, and he hated himself for that. He wished he could've thought of another way to go about the situation without blowing his cover. Of course, now that he already completed the heinous task, he could think of a few other ways to have handled the situation. It was true that he made a judgement call. He did what he believed was the best option at the time. At least he knew Amanda was safe now. Since his cover had been exposed to her and the other two rapists were arrested, Murphy wouldn't have to hurt Amanda again. He hated that she felt unsafe, but he was glad he wouldn't have to put her through such trauma again.

As he downed a bottle of beer, his phone buzzed. He grabbed it and looked at the text message. His heart sank.

 **Amanda: I'm so so so sorry for reporting you. I really didn't want to. They made me. I'm so so so so sorry. I won't testify. I'll do everything I can to make sure you walk. Just please please don't hurt me again. I'll get you your money. I'm sorry it's taking so long but I swear I'll get your money. Please please don't hurt me anymore. Please.**

Tears welled up in the eyes of a man who rarely cried. He hated that he inflicted so much pain onto this young woman. He hated that he instilled so much fear into her. He hated that he caused her to feel cornered and unsafe. By reading the text message, he could tell how much terror the young blonde was feeling. He quickly replied, wanting to assure the woman she had done nothing wrong and would not face retaliation. Didn't she understand he was only undercover?

 **Declan Murphy: Darlin, don't apologize to me. I don't care about the money, and I'm not mad that you reported me, regardless of the threats I made to you. I won't ever hurt you again. You don't have to be afraid of me.**

Words couldn't express the remorse he felt for Amanda. If he felt this terrible for what he did to his victim, he hated to imagine how she felt.


	8. Chapter 8

A week had passed, and Amanda wasn't doing much better. Flashbacks and nightmares constantly tormented the young blonde. She cried everyday, and physical contact was not her friend. She didn't like being around people, but she didn't feel safe alone either. Her mind was a prison cell, and she seemed to have been given a life sentence. She couldn't seem to escape her thoughts, no matter how hard she tried.

Amanda meant to go back to her apartment days ago, but it was decided she better stay with Olivia a while longer because her emotional state was so terrible. Olivia had been kind enough to allow Frannie to stay with them as well, which had a positive effect on Amanda. Amanda seemed to feel safer with her dog, and she was able to tolerate being around a few people as long as Frannie was with her. Frannie wasn't a registered emotional support dog, but she sure was acting like one.

Olivia had scheduled for Amanda to meet with a therapist in the next couple of days. She was showing signs of PTSD with her constant flashbacks. Amanda was unable to eat or sleep. It wasn't that she wasn't hungry or tired though. Amanda's stomach was always growling, and exhaustion was always evident in her eyes. However, eating made her feel sick, and she was didn't want to sleep for fear of nightmares.

The squad's hearts were breaking for their young colleague. They had never seen her in such a bad place, emotionally. They wanted to help her, but it seemed impossible. A couple of days ago, the D.A announced they would not be pressing charges against Declan Murphy. They were going to bury the case, deciding Murphy did what he believed was best. Besides, Amanda already announced she wouldn't testify against him. She was way too afraid. Brian Comb and Andrew Young were being charged with one count of rape and one count of accessory to rape each. The two men were trying to work out a deal. They didn't want to spend the rest of their lives in prison, and Amanda didn't want to testify.

Olivia spent time, trying to convince Amanda to testify. However, Amanda refused each time. She was confident they would be put away if she were to testify, but Declan Murphy was a free man. If she were to testify, Declan Murphy would rape and kill her. Amanda was living in constant fear, convinced Declan Murphy was going to assault her again.

Declan Murphy was well aware of the horrible trauma Amanda was going through. The squad made sure he knew what he put Amanda through. They wanted him to drown in guilt, and he was. He knew he had so much control over her, and he hated it. He hated knowing that he had more than likely caused her to have PTSD. Sometimes, he wished he had risked his cover being blown so he wouldn't have had to traumatize Amanda.

Declan Murphy decided he would testify against the other two rapists. However, without Amanda's testimony, it was likely the men would get a plea deal. Declan Murphy refrained from texting Amanda, though he very much wanted to assure her he was on her side. However, he was well aware she didn't trust him. He had never seen someone so afraid of him before, and he planned to prove to Amanda he wasn't a predator.

"Hey, Amanda? Why don't you, Noah, and I go to the park?" Olivia suggested.

"No, thanks," she mumbled.

"It's just that you haven't left the apartment in days. I think it would be a good idea for you to get out for a little bit," Olivia continued.

"No. No, it's not safe. It's not safe. I don't have the money. He'll find me if I go outside. I can't. I can't," Amanda started to panic, her eyes growing wide with fear.

"Okay. Okay, honey. You're safe here. I won't let anyone hurt you. No one is after you. Brian and Andrew are in custody," Olivia reminded her detective.

"D-Declan's not," Amanda whispered, tears filling her eyes.

"Declan Murphy was undercover. I know you're scared, but he's not going to hurt you. He's not a threat anymore," Olivia told her.

"You let him go," Amanda whimpered.

"I had to, honey. But he's gonna help us put Brian and Andrew away. None of them will ever hurt you again," Olivia promised. Amanda didn't respond.

"So, what do you say to going to the park?" Olivia hesitantly asked.

"No! It's not safe!" Amanda yelled, frustrated that Olivia didn't seem to understand the dangers of going outside. Amanda began to sob, and Olivia pulled her into a hug.

"It's all right. I promise, you're safe. No one will hurt you anymore," Olivia tried to soothe the young woman, rocking her in her lap.

"Olivia," Amanda sobbed.

"What is it, honey?" Olivia asked, her voice calm and soothing.

"I-I'm s-sorry. I'm sorry for g-gambling. I'm so sorry. I-I know I screwed up. I'll do whatever I have to to get back into your g-good graces. I'm s-so sorry for being such a screw up," Amanda cried.

"Oh, sweetheart. You're already in my good graces. You need to calm down. You're not a screw up. Don't apologize to me anymore," Olivia tried to comfort her youngest detective. She remembered some time ago Amanda promising to try to get back into her good graces. She hadn't realized Amanda had taken that promise so seriously and had been so stressed over it.

"I-I promise I-I've l-learned my l-lesson. I-I won't g-gamble anymore," Amanda whimpered. Olivia's heart shattered.

"Sweetheart, what Declan and those criminals did to you-that was not a punishment. That should not have happened to you," Olivia stated, her voice firm. Amanda shouldn't have been gambling, but those men shouldn't have raped her.

Olivia continued trying to soothe Amanda. Eventually, the young blonde fell asleep on Liv's lap. She carefully stood up and gently laid Amanda down on the couch before going to check on her son. She decided she would bring up the idea of going to the park again when her detective woke up.

Noah convinced his mother to play with him. He handed her a toy dinosaur and began fighting it with another toy dinosaur. Olivia always enjoyed spending time with her son. Unfortunately, whimpers emerging from the living room ended their quality time.

"Mommy will be back in a minute," she assured her son before hurrying to the living room.

Olivia was saddened to see Amanda asleep on the couch. She was whimpering and pleading. She was tossing and turning, as if in a struggle.

"P-please, L-Liv. I-I'm s-sorry. I won't do it again. Please, don't let him hurt me!" Amanda begged. As Olivia approached the younger woman, the pleas turned into screams.

"Please, Murphy! Please, not again! Please, don't! Liv, help me! Please! I'm sorry! Ow! Murphy, stop! Please!" Amanda yelled. She tried to move her arms, but they seemed to be held down by invisible restraints.

"Amanda! Amanda, honey! Wake up! It's only a dream!" Olivia declared, hesitantly shaking the terrified woman. Blue eyes quickly met brown eyes as Amanda jolted away.

"Olivia, please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please, don't let him hurt me! I'll do whatever you say! Please! You said he wouldn't hurt me again!" Amanda sobbed.

"Whoa, honey, calm down. Calm down. You had a nightmare. You don't need to apologize to me, and I would never let anyone hurt you," Olivia promised, sitting down and pulling the young blonde into a hug.

"Promise?" Amanda whimpered.

"Yes, sweetheart. I promise," Olivia confirmed.

"B-but you-you l-let him. I-I was l-laying r-right h-here. You said it was my fault. Th-that I deserved it. Y-you h-held me d-down so he could do wh-what h-he w-wanted," Amanda cried.

"Sweetheart, no. You had a very bad nightmare. I would never let anybody hurt you. No one was holding you down. I would never, ever allow somebody to rape you," Olivia promised, tears filling her eyes. Amanda's subconscious held the idea that Olivia would ever approve of such a cruel act. She hated that Amanda was going through this.

"It-it hurt s-so bad. I-I b-begged you to help me, and you wouldn't. M-Murphy laughed. H-he said it was n-never going to e-end," Amanda cried.

"Oh, honey, I am so, so sorry. It will end. He will never hurt you again. You're safe now," Olivia tried to remind her detective.

"I want to die," Amanda whispered, more tears streaming down her face.

"Amanda, you don't mean that," Olivia said, her voice sad and serious.

"Yes, I do! I'm just a screw up! This won't ever end! I want to die! I've wanted to die for so long now!" She sobbed. Tears spilled from Olivia's eyes. How had she never noticed Amanda struggling?

"Amanda, why would you say that?" Olivia questioned.

"I mess everything up! Nobody loves me! Everyone I trust betrays me! I just had to gamble, and I ended up getting raped!" Amanda cried.

"You don't mess everything up. The squad-we love you, Amanda. So much," Olivia said, looking into watery blue eyes. Amanda let out a strangled sob. Olivia held her tight.

"I just want this to be over with," Amanda whispered.


End file.
